At 11pm on Saturday night in the bushes of Soho Square, freelance journalist Gordon Edwards searched for his family’s missing guinea pig. Whilst he didn’t return Lineker to his wife’s and children’s suburban detached home in Hadley, he did arrive with a muddy iPad that on powering up, appeared to be from Electronic Life Aids (EMA) magazine’s Top 100 listed agency Fertile Baguette.

What follows are extracts from the social media plans for their client base. Gordon Edwards, having amassed a portfolio of this one investigation, intends to return to his life long occupation as officer to the 1st Boys Brigade company of Hadley. He has only visited Soho once. Lineker was found dead in a crisp packet inside his briefcase.

British Pumps
Proposition: A Facebook application where users collect points by digging up virtual squares of Africa’s coast line. Reach: It will gain virality through letting players invite friends to catch oily zebras before CNN journalists arrive to expose the drilling. Projections: Higher engagement in oil wells with unemployed males, 18-24. Uplift in perceived entertainment within the sector.

Magical Meats
Purpose: To propel sales of the processed meat manufacturer’s new Glam product; tinned slices of luncheon meat cut into the shapes of ear rings, diamonds and pearl necklaces. Demographic: middle aged housewives and the children there of. Method: A campaign micro-site showcases a prominent gallery of photographs that a TV advert campaign from 3.30-4pm encourages people to submit photos of meat being magical to. Outcomes: Individuals in the photos become brand advocates, Glam is seen as an innovative and modern consumer choice. Magical Meats’ identity pillars gain sustainability. Contingency: A physical album of submitted photos is published with a forward by David Blaine about the power and mystery of meat. Photo subjects will crave ownership of their moments of fame, as will their friends and family, creating a new revenue stream altogether.

Going Faces
Objective: Re-launch the traditional travel agency as the one stop shop for tourists struggling in the current economic climate. Campaign elements: Paid for banners on Twitter superimpose profile pictures onto backdrops of sun and sand. On clicking, a micro-site launches allowing visitors to choose a destination, upload their photo and be e-mailed a zip folder of staged holiday snaps. Revenue stream: Visitors can purchase bolt on extras to their snaps such as incremental Photoshop tanning through photo collections. Customers can purchase iron on immigration and customs stamps to place on their passports.

Editor’s notes: When Gordon Edwards stumbled upon these findings, he printed off a hard copy. Whilst popping out for a stroll in Hadley Woods before we arrived to meet him, he dropped and lost much of the printed pitches and the iPad. He would welcome you continuing his investigation and hunting for the remaining papers. His accident occurred within the large bush 20 meters left of the oak tree. He also lost a sock. His wife doesn’t want him going for long walks anymore.

A man opens a door at the front of a meeting room, where sit fourteen employees looking up at a white projector blind. A stern lady sits at the front of the room behind a laptop which is broadcasting a cartoon onto the wall.

On one side of the screen, crowd together a family of otters. The other side sits a big, hairy seal. One by one, the otters run at the seal, trying to steal his colourful inflatable ball. The otters finally capture the ball and the seal sits, crying out loudly.

One of the otters takes pity and tells his crowd that they should return back the ball. The two sides gravitate towards each other with caution and the pitying otter passes the ball over. The seal is delighted and claps whilst keeping the ball afloat on his nose. The otters all dance around.

Will Smith’s ‘Just The Two Of Us’ begins to fade in as the otters and seal continue playing. The song fades out after three minutes at which point the otters and seal look head on at the audience.

The man looks back on the people in the room.

One lady looks towards the open door, taking a handkerchief to her watery eyes. An anxious man bites his nails, erratically tapping his foot.

The otters and seal sing the line ‘We can make it if we try’, taking each other’s hands as the screen fades to black.

The patient man looks to the laptop operator. Everyone waits to see what he wants.

‘Tallulah is running late. She rang and asked me to let you know.’

The man leaves the room and closes the door behind him whilst a new video begins playing. The weeping lady and fidgeting man sigh, looking back at the screen.

One black and one white gentleman stand at the door of a bus. They both gesture for the other to step onto the bus first. Neither move and the bus drives away. They hold hands and walk off into the sunset.

‘There you go.’ said Jane, placing her creation on the creative director’s desk.

‘Ah, right, thanks Jane.’ he replied, looking down from his computer screen at what she’d just handed in.

‘You’ve done well there. The shading looks good. It’s really well contained.’ he reviewed on.

‘Thanks. I wanted to avoid too much spillage so kept it a little short from full.’ explained Jane.

‘Great. One thing for next time. Can you add a little sugar?’