0 to 5k:
Begin your run passed three of the area’s organic groceries.
5 to 10k:
Take in the sights of thick framed hipsters rolling cigarettes outside a craft brewery. Shout ‘Hey!’ to Horatio.
10 to 15k:
As you pass the Latvian brothel styled coffee shop, give those ‘We keep the area edgy!’ drunks on the bench a wave.
15 to 20k:
You’re doing brilliantly. Don’t focus on the pain. Instead, ask yourself; What’s the top three colours you’d like to paint your bicycle handle bars in?
20 to 25k:
You’re doing so, so well. Distract yourself from the miles ahead by rehearsing negotiations with Father as to how early you can have your inheritance.
25k to 30k:
Assume you’ve persuaded him successfully. Bravo. Now, what’s more ‘up and coming’, a bus shelter turned half bedroom studio, or a garage parking lot in Hackney Wick?
30 to 35k:
It’s mantra time. ‘The Cock Tavern lives up to its name but the beer’s great. The Cock Tavern lives up to its name but the beer’s great!’
35 to 40k:
You’ve just a few more selfies to take. It’s a good job you set out with a comb for that tash. #nofilter #redfacelols
40 to 42k:
Thank your friends for their concern and explain you’re spending the recovery time in hospital to scratch out an invisible novella using syringes.