Dads are like, really grown up aren’t they.
They’re like us, but double the age.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll be a Dad.
I’d feed my little ones beans.
Cheap as chips is feeding little ones just beans.
I won’t like going bald like Dads do though.
Why do bald Dads get bald?
Not that I mind Dads with no hair.
They’re proper boss either way.
Dads and beans, hair or not. Sorted.
Beans; A Northern Ballad
I like kidney beans I do.
At first I thought I might not and I’d miss the tomatoe’d bake ones but no,
I like kidney bean, they’re boss like.
I think ill eat them every lunch from now.
Why wouldn’t I, seeing as I think they’re tops an’ all.
Do you like kidney beans?
I think you’ll be mad for it.
They’re just so beany.
“Oh my God, I can’t believe it…”
Lily Allen:
Have you had any really bad job offers since you went on Strictly Come Dancing?
Alesha from Mystique:
Yeah, I’ve been asked to do lots of silly little things.
Shopkeepers think you’re on crack when…
You turn up at 3am every single morning and simply buy 17 packets of Chipsticks.
Every Saturday you buy a Lotto ticket because you’re ‘saving for a robotic lettuce’.
You spend each whole morning choosing chocolate, and never not go for a Wagon Wheel.
You call the police because your Chocolate Dip doesn’t have enough bread sticks.
He stops stocking Twisters so you hold an around the clock visual chanting ‘Why?’
Every visit, you pass him an envelope containing a fake Frank Bruno autograph.
For every step forward you make, you do a 360 degrees spin and mumble ‘I see you’.
You ask if he’s seen ‘that fork handles’ sketch and request five.
A Barber at Cutting Edge
The subject says:
Number five on top and two on the sides. Don’t worry about a rinse.
The Barber, Barry, replies:
So, going anywhere nice this Easter?
The subject:
No, probably not. I’ve just got back from Chad where I tamed a wild Elephant and fed it Jaffa Cakes.
Barber:
That should be nice. So, what do you do for a living?
Subject:
I work with the skull. Around twenty to thirty a day. Usually more if a bank holiday or Christmas is coming up.
Barber:
My old man’s mate used to be some kinda doctor too. Messy business, but then I’m screamish. What’s the worst you’ve seen?
Subject:
One guy’s nut had lice in it. Hadn’t been washed in years. Hairy knots and tangles all the way through.
Barber:
Well, blow me down. Who’d have thought a brain would grow hair?
Subject:
Yeah, people and their brains… who’d have thought it?
Barber:
So then, tell me how I should wash mine.
Mai & Clay
Should another
turn on to your course
like I,
they’ll warm in your glow,
for humble smiles of heart
in dusty paths of strangers
rarely arrive with
the pleasure
of compassionate company
so far from home.
Sophisti-text
“Everybody is taken and has morals now.
It is awful, is’t it!!
Console yourself with
the knowledge that one day you will be
taken and have morals too! :)” – Yee Wise Friend
Whitehall
the arches aren’t golden now
as the giant ‘m’ stretches
across near empty streets
where the night’s cleaners walk
and old giants watch on
as night buses spill passed
souls of the vacant night
that glides to a close
before the big wheel spins
over choking lights of fog
orphaned papers and thoughts
of oblivious crowds.