X Factor – everything wrong with the music industry but the most perfect television show on earth, even if Beyonce ‘If I Was A Boy’ Knowles got introduced to the stage as a ‘hero’ by the reason Hollywood is suffering an eye drop drought right now.
Alexandra love, there’s an ‘If’ to that song title, so ‘heroin’ (albeit with an extra E) is the word you was looking for, or perhaps had taken whilst secluded from the cameras in the biblical cloud of lights, fire and smoke, going by the relentless Xtra Factor hysterics that followed. Okay, perhaps a little harsh. Who am I to say she’s mainlining already and not in fact the reincarnation of Christ? The stage is a 21st century church of sorts after all.
And either way, the voice is bloody good and the girl’s got balls, unlike the JLS lads, whoever last year’s winner is and Leona ‘Is anybody home?’ Lewis. That’s not to completely get on all fours for the new reality TV queen, as Boyzone, Westlife and a distraught Owen (spelt Eagzouvin) back stage probably had to for Louis Walsh.
The Beyonce duet worked but will haunt Alexandra ‘pronounce my surname the posh way’ Burke (I mean, Bhuuck) every record launch, as the public go googling and remember not her triumphing over Diana ‘Alien Hands’ Vickers and the likes, but the outclassing by a diva who can make a nation’s jaw drop in disbelief with a mere glorified yawn over Alex, who’s already being oh so Suzanne from Hearsay and denying it’s her in the sex tapes to the Sunday papers.