Tag: chuckles

Eddy Ball Tales #1

Spoonie: How was lunch?

Fork: He was alright, but he’s fallen out with Breakfast. She’s been getting close to Supper which has caused a bit of friction. How was Lunch for you?

Spoonie: I’ve not seen Breakfast for ages. I keep missing him. Always gone before I get up. Me and Lunch get on well but I never get enough time to digest everything. Supper is being a right slut. I catch him in a different place every night.

Fork: I hear you about Supper. He sure gets about, but I guess that’s half the fun. You never know what state he’ll be in. Far more interesting than say… Brunch. That kid doesn’t know if he’s coming or going.

Spoonie: Oh dear, we’ve forgot all about Desert!

Fork: I’ll get my keys.

Passing time…

On a path to the now
I bumped into a cow
You doing are how?
Fine thank you pal
Then a cat went meow
So I leaned into a bow
Act did it foul?
Yes I cleaned up with a towel.
Before an owl then howled
Flying into a prowl
To eat a mouse with his jowl
To which I thought Ow!

Hair Or Not

Dads are like, really grown up aren’t they.
They’re like us, but double the age.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll be a Dad.
I’d feed my little ones beans.
Cheap as chips is feeding little ones just beans.
I won’t like going bald like Dads do though.
Why do bald Dads get bald?
Not that I mind Dads with no hair.
They’re proper boss either way.
Dads and beans, hair or not. Sorted.

Beans; A Northern Ballad

I like kidney beans I do.
At first I thought I might not and I’d miss the tomatoe’d bake ones but no,
I like kidney bean, they’re boss like.
I think ill eat them every lunch from now.
Why wouldn’t I, seeing as I think they’re tops an’ all.
Do you like kidney beans?
I think you’ll be mad for it.
They’re just so beany.

Shopkeepers think you’re on crack when…

You turn up at 3am every single morning and simply buy 17 packets of Chipsticks.

Every Saturday you buy a Lotto ticket because you’re ‘saving for a robotic lettuce’.

You spend each whole morning choosing chocolate, and never not go for a Wagon Wheel.

You call the police because your Chocolate Dip doesn’t have enough bread sticks.

He stops stocking Twisters so you hold an around the clock visual chanting ‘Why?’

Every visit, you pass him an envelope containing a fake Frank Bruno autograph.

For every step forward you make, you do a 360 degrees spin and mumble ‘I see you’.

You ask if he’s seen ‘that fork handles’ sketch and request five.

A Barber at Cutting Edge

The subject says:

Number five on top and two on the sides. Don’t worry about a rinse.

The Barber, Barry, replies:

So, going anywhere nice this Easter?

The subject:

No, probably not. I’ve just got back from Chad where I tamed a wild Elephant and fed it Jaffa Cakes.

Barber:

That should be nice. So, what do you do for a living?

Subject:

I work with the skull. Around twenty to thirty a day. Usually more if a bank holiday or Christmas is coming up.

Barber:

My old man’s mate used to be some kinda doctor too. Messy business, but then I’m screamish. What’s the worst you’ve seen?

Subject:

One guy’s nut had lice in it. Hadn’t been washed in years. Hairy knots and tangles all the way through.

Barber:

Well, blow me down. Who’d have thought a brain would grow hair?

Subject:

Yeah, people and their brains… who’d have thought it?

Barber:

So then, tell me how I should wash mine.