Tag: chuckles

Predictions for The Marshall Mathers LP 2

A ballad about how it’s hard seeing Hayley all grown up and starting to date and how he’ll chainsaw the cock off any guy that messes with her because she’ll always be his special little princess and he won’t let anyone ever, ever hurt her and will protect her even beyond his grave.

A sequel to the track ‘Stan’ co-written by the biggest poetic licence issued in rap history, where the crazed fan didn’t die in the car crash after all, and just pretended he did so that he’d get a song written about him. The song only gets played on Magic and Heart FM these days and Stan wants a bigger mainstream reference, so surprise! Adele will replace Dido unless it’s a UK only bonus track featuring the comeback of Lilly Allen.

‘Bitch Please III’ in which Eminem begs in a shouty manner for Mariah Carey to drink a few bottles of red wine and cheat on Nick Cannon just the once to make Kim jealous on the off chance she’s updated her Spotify subscription and listens to the album’s stream, and to spawn coverage in various women’s magazine titles, a new demographic A&R want to target.

‘The Way I Was’ detailing the time in rehab when Eminem drank too much rose water at group listening and Lindsey Lohan went on and on and on about how her habits increased after she broke up with that sister of Mark Ronson, until he couldn’t hold it anymore and pissed himself in front of everyone and how he needed to lose himself in that moment in order to build himself back up because the opportunity only comes once in a lifetime yo.

10 ways Zack De La Rocha spends his days.

  • Vegan cookery courses and foraging weekends away with Saul Williams
  • Mowing the lawn and growing vegetables in one of his mansion’s gardens
  • Deleting voice messages from Tom Morello
  • Laughing therapy to the Audio Slave back catalogue
  • Dusting the fireplace’s antique Zapatista ornaments
  • Writing a line of lyrics, scribbling it out and then reading Immortal Technique’s blog
  • Reading Buddhist teachings on excessiveness and learning to ride a hand made unicycle
  • Transferring Rage Against The Machine reunion pay packets to Questlove, DJ Shadow and El-P
  • Felt tipping over brand logos in his cupboard and reading biscuit baking recipes
  • Ignoring beats posted by Questlove, DJ Shadow and El-P. He doesn’t trust e-mail

Titles of future songs by Alicia Keys

Single & Strong
Lady Of Liberty
Only A Song
Live To See
Head Held High
Mind Over Matter
Run With The Tide
Never Look Back
Look Back And Smile
Keep Growing
President Girl
Love Is Wild
Cloud 9-ty Nine
RevoLOVEtion
Love
Loved
Loving
Lover
Lovers
Lurv
LUV
LUV.U.4.NEVA
Fine By Myself
Good Times Gone
Aching Heart
Splitting Apart
You Are A Dart
Together Again (feat. Swizz Beatz)
?Who ?Why ?When
Breathe And Mend
Chasing Trends (feat. Busta Rhymes)
My Soul’s Den
Love Is Life
Men Are Strife
Heart Carving Knife
Cheater’s Lice

In the office with Chris.

I’m interviewing a tree for my blog about how it’s turned over a new leaf.

Tomorrow I’m meeting with a wall to talk about its problems. People keep trying to climb all over it.

Can you cover me tomorrow morning? I’m meeting a lamp post’s paving slab. He wants to moan about life in the spotlight.

This evening I’ll be live tweeting from a zebra crossing about its opinion on road safety. It’s not as black and white an issue as you may think.

At lunch I’m meeting with a Royal Mail box. Follow the live stream. It’ll keep you posted.

How’s this title for my interview with a pay phone? ‘The system keeps boxing me in’.

I’ve got a meeting with the stapler. It wants to consolidate projects.

The calculator keeps shouting at me. Apparently things don’t add up.

HR aren’t happy with the way I’ve been treating my keyboard. I’ve done nothing but push its buttons.

My mouse filed a complaint against me. I keep pushing it around.

I’m due a face to face meeting with the Sellotape tomorrow. I’m expecting a sticky situation.

I’m really worried about the scissors’ attitude. They think they’re a cut above the rest.

It’s just one thing after another with that printer.

I can’t work with my compass any longer. He goes around and around the same old thing. Though he does have a point.

I’m in charge of revolutionising the mail room. People say I’m really pushing the envelope.

I found my conversation with the dictionary really confusing. It had to spell everything out for me.

Want to know why the film about Twitter failed? There weren’t enough characters.

I hate chatting to my bin. It’s so full of garbage.

I love my Mac. It really is the Apple of my eye.

I can’t work out where I am with the office window. Sometimes it’s really open and other times so closed.

I’ve been seeing this AC unit. She’s so hot, but then she’ll go all cold on me.

I’m always a bit nervous about how people will take to the blinds. They’re a bit shady.

I was on Google’s social network the other day. It’s got its plusses.

The office lights are usually fine to work with, but sometimes they just switch off.

I was on the internet the other day. It was refreshing.

We interviewed a very confident and ambitious lamp yesterday. It’s got a bright future ahead of it.

When Chris isn’t writing comedy gold, he’s tweeting as @cwelton, which is sometimes comedy gold.

Fertile Baguette quarter four pitches.

At 11pm on Saturday night in the bushes of Soho Square, freelance journalist Gordon Edwards searched for his family’s missing guinea pig. Whilst he didn’t return Lineker to his wife’s and children’s suburban detached home in Hadley, he did arrive with a muddy iPad that on powering up, appeared to be from Electronic Life Aids (EMA) magazine’s Top 100 listed agency Fertile Baguette.

What follows are extracts from the social media plans for their client base. Gordon Edwards, having amassed a portfolio of this one investigation, intends to return to his life long occupation as officer to the 1st Boys Brigade company of Hadley. He has only visited Soho once. Lineker was found dead in a crisp packet inside his briefcase.

British Pumps
Proposition: A Facebook application where users collect points by digging up virtual squares of Africa’s coast line. Reach: It will gain virality through letting players invite friends to catch oily zebras before CNN journalists arrive to expose the drilling. Projections: Higher engagement in oil wells with unemployed males, 18-24. Uplift in perceived entertainment within the sector.

Magical Meats
Purpose: To propel sales of the processed meat manufacturer’s new Glam product; tinned slices of luncheon meat cut into the shapes of ear rings, diamonds and pearl necklaces. Demographic: middle aged housewives and the children there of. Method: A campaign micro-site showcases a prominent gallery of photographs that a TV advert campaign from 3.30-4pm encourages people to submit photos of meat being magical to. Outcomes: Individuals in the photos become brand advocates, Glam is seen as an innovative and modern consumer choice. Magical Meats’ identity pillars gain sustainability. Contingency: A physical album of submitted photos is published with a forward by David Blaine about the power and mystery of meat. Photo subjects will crave ownership of their moments of fame, as will their friends and family, creating a new revenue stream altogether.

Going Faces
Objective: Re-launch the traditional travel agency as the one stop shop for tourists struggling in the current economic climate. Campaign elements: Paid for banners on Twitter superimpose profile pictures onto backdrops of sun and sand. On clicking, a micro-site launches allowing visitors to choose a destination, upload their photo and be e-mailed a zip folder of staged holiday snaps. Revenue stream: Visitors can purchase bolt on extras to their snaps such as incremental Photoshop tanning through photo collections. Customers can purchase iron on immigration and customs stamps to place on their passports.

Editor’s notes: When Gordon Edwards stumbled upon these findings, he printed off a hard copy. Whilst popping out for a stroll in Hadley Woods before we arrived to meet him, he dropped and lost much of the printed pitches and the iPad. He would welcome you continuing his investigation and hunting for the remaining papers. His accident occurred within the large bush 20 meters left of the oak tree. He also lost a sock. His wife doesn’t want him going for long walks anymore.

Sketches: Equality & Diversity Training

A man opens a door at the front of a meeting room, where sit fourteen employees looking up at a white projector blind. A stern lady sits at the front of the room behind a laptop which is broadcasting a cartoon onto the wall.

On one side of the screen, crowd together a family of otters. The other side sits a big, hairy seal. One by one, the otters run at the seal, trying to steal his colourful inflatable ball. The otters finally capture the ball and the seal sits, crying out loudly.

One of the otters takes pity and tells his crowd that they should return back the ball. The two sides gravitate towards each other with caution and the pitying otter passes the ball over. The seal is delighted and claps whilst keeping the ball afloat on his nose. The otters all dance around.

Will Smith’s ‘Just The Two Of Us’ begins to fade in as the otters and seal continue playing. The song fades out after three minutes at which point the otters and seal look head on at the audience.

The man looks back on the people in the room.

One lady looks towards the open door, taking a handkerchief to her watery eyes. An anxious man bites his nails, erratically tapping his foot.

The otters and seal sing the line ‘We can make it if we try’, taking each other’s hands as the screen fades to black.

The patient man looks to the laptop operator. Everyone waits to see what he wants.

‘Tallulah is running late. She rang and asked me to let you know.’

The man leaves the room and closes the door behind him whilst a new video begins playing. The weeping lady and fidgeting man sigh, looking back at the screen.

One black and one white gentleman stand at the door of a bus. They both gesture for the other to step onto the bus first. Neither move and the bus drives away. They hold hands and walk off into the sunset.

Sketches: Feedback

‘There you go.’ said Jane, placing her creation on the creative director’s desk.

‘Ah, right, thanks Jane.’ he replied, looking down from his computer screen at what she’d just handed in.

‘You’ve done well there. The shading looks good. It’s really well contained.’ he reviewed on.

‘Thanks. I wanted to avoid too much spillage so kept it a little short from full.’ explained Jane.

‘Great. One thing for next time. Can you add a little sugar?’

Hobbies of a has been.

When he’s not making a living on UK television chat shows, pretending to be a great by reeling off anecdotes about brushing shoulders with legends at Motown, Lionel Richie can usually be found releasing horrific contemporary dance versions of his old ‘classics’. Having perhaps finally found these routes to be dead ends, Richie’s new pastime is cashing in on crisp commercials, perhaps to woo Robbie Williams into a collaboration. After all, they’ve been ’playing around’ lots…

Two wires crossing a road named Bridge

‘Hi Jean!’ said Hugh Man excitedly.

‘What’s your problem? Do I smell?’ asked Jean in a rush of panic.

‘What are you on about?’ replied Hugh with a wave of confusion.

‘Hygiene. What’s wrong with my bloody hygiene?’ Jean began to angrily shout.

‘Hugh, man. You’re so bloody rude!’ she continued.

‘Listen, you’re clearly getting the wrong end of the stick. It’s a bit much to right off a whole fricking specie as rude’ reasoned Hugh.

‘What, I’ve done nothing of the sort. But I’m not having you say I smell!’ snapped Jean.

‘Humans. Rudeness. You’re so horrifically generalizing. Get bent, or better still, go shower!’ said Hugh.

‘Man, I’m out of here’ said Jean.

‘So what, we’re not even on first name basis now? Don’t trip on the way out’ yelled Hugh…Man.

Digging Holes

“Come through. What’s the problem?”
“My head’s been stuck in numbers all day.”
“Right. Well, what type?”
“Oh the usual. Things are pretty tight.”
“Well, I did warn you this could happen.”
“Okay, okay. You were right. I miscalculated.”
“So you’ll stay out of the fours, sixes, eights and nines next time?”
“Yes Sir. Only ones, twos, threes, fives and sevens from now on!”
“Good. You’re just not ready for the deep end. Now, run along.”